Unconsciously, fearful thinking has always been present in my life. I have been writing a diary since I was 13. A decade later, when for the first time I started to encounter panic attacks, I began reading my old diaries. I was shocked to discover that even as a 13 years old girl, fear was so dominant in me. The only difference was that in the past I was just afraid, without experiencing many physical manifestations.

In the of Summer 2003, just after my last exam at University, I started feeling really bad; tiredness, dizziness, and breathing difficulties. After a couple of days, my breathing got even worse and I felt as though my heart was going to leap out of my chest. My family took me to a hospital, where they gave me a sedative injection and discharged me. Doctors opinion: she is upset!

On the surface, I didn’t feel upset. However, my inner balance was seriously shaken. Within my mind, I was focused on my future and I was devastated. Since the age of 10, I have suffered from muscular dystrophy, a progressive muscle disease that eventually would take away my ability to walk. The image I created about my life, after graduating was an isolated life of a disabled person. I couldn’t see any bright future for myself and that was killing me from the inside.   Yet, at that moment I was not really aware of the impact of my thoughts on my mental health. I was focused on the physical symptoms such as tiredness, difficulty breathing, tachycardia, which I experienced on an everyday basis. Only after undergoing medical examinations that confirmed that physically all was ok with me, did I know that what I was experiencing was at a psychological level.

Back then anxiety was not talked about as much as it is these days and there was no internet available to research further what was happening to me. I started using sedatives such as diazepam (Valium), which helped me for a short period of time. However, then the anxiety returned and hit me much more intensely. I started experiencing panic attacks several times per day accompanied with signs of social phobia. Simply, I couldn’t cope with being around people, even my closest family, let alone to go out or attend events.

After one year of real struggle, I stopped with all medications and started with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I learned techniques which helped me to get through the days easier, to relax and face my regular anxiety and panic attacks. For me, this was the beginning of a long recovery process.

Slowly, things started changing. In the beginning, for me it was a real success if I could spend a day without having a panic attack. I often experienced anxiety symptoms, and insecurity was following me everywhere. However, I started noticing that I was beginning to have moments when it felt good to be in my own skin. As time was passing by, I was getting stronger and stronger and freer to be active during the days. Periodically, I was experiencing regressions, periods when my energy was going down again, and I felt more anxious; however, they were less common and lasted shorter. I kept using my techniques. Over time, my focus on anxiety decreased, and hence it began slowly to disappear.